Saturday, October 27, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
Halloween Top 10 (or so)
Halloween Time!
It's that time of year again -- spooky costumes, scary stories, freaky movies and...lots of candy.
Ignoring the whole candy thing, I thought it might be fun to compile my very own list of Halloween favorites. This is a combination of films and novels that I've enjoyed over the years and that I can recommend to someone looking for a good scare or a Halloween flavored bit of entertainment. These items are arranged in no particular order...aside from the order in which they popped into my tiny brain.
(Books) Clive Barker's "The Books of Blood"
While not necessarily a "horror author" these days, Clive Barker started his career writing grisly, disturbing and highly creative splatter horror fiction, and it was this collection that garnered the talented British author his initial fame and critical praise. There are actually several different versions of Clive Barker's excellent collection of horror short stories; stateside, "The Books of Blood" generally refers to a 3 volume collection, but I prefer the British 6 Volume edition which includes the short stories from the U.S. Releases "In the Flesh", "The Inhuman Condition" and "Cabal" in addition to the original stories. (There's also a "bonus" story called "On Jerusalem Street", which nicely wraps up the entire collection.) While not generally "scary", Barker's gory tales are always disturbing and highly creative, and definitely worth a read for those who aren't too faint of heart (or that have weak stomachs).
Highlights from the series for me include "The Midnight Meat Train" (a tale of a subway serial killer with bizarre motivations), "In the Hills, the Cities" (a very strange update on a Dickens classic), "The Body Politic" (where humankind is threatened by a most unusual revolution), "How Spoilers Bleed" (an extremist cautionary tale that warns those darn Imperialists to stay the hell out of Africa) "Dread" (the original torture-porn story), "The Yattering and Jack" (which I'm surprised Tim Burton hasn't already made into a movie), and "Babel's Children" (which explains how political decisions are *really* made).
(Movie) "Aliens"
While some fans defend the original "Alien" as the definitive entry in this *mostly* marvelous science-fiction/horror series (I say *mostly* because one can't forget the less-than-stellar third installment and the downright embarrassing 4th film), I've always found James Cameron's "Aliens" to not only hold the highest entertainment quotient of the series, but to also be the film that leaves me the most drained after having watched it. This film literally sucks you in and drags you along on its nightmarish and consistently exciting ride; it's one of those rare films where the audience is left as exhausted as its (surviving) characters by the time the end credits start to roll. Viewing the original "Alien" isn't mandatory to enjoy this massively entertaining motion picture, which is easily James Cameron's finest film and still one of my favorite movies to watch this time of the year.
"Game over, man!"
(Books) Tanith's Lee's "Dark Dance" and "Personal Darkness"
One might as well label these two books "By Goth, for Goths", but to do so would be to highly marginalize the sheer brilliance of this fine pair of vampire novels. Tanith Lee has always been a remarkably stylish writer, and she is in top form here, as both novels are full of evocative descriptions, resonant emotional turmoil, and scenes of raw and disturbing sexual energy that stick with the reader long after the book has been put down.
I recommend reading the first two books of this series, as they actually read much better as a single novel and tell a complete tale, one that wraps up most of the open plot lines while still offering us a satisfying view of Lee's world of secret vampires. (While a third installment, "I, Darkness", was published, it feels like a largely unnecessary addition to the series, even if some scenes -- particularly those that describe with surprising subtlety the fate of a kidnapped English child-- are profoundly well-written in and of their own right.)
Highly recommended reading.
(Movie) "Dawn of the Dead" (2004)
Believe it or not, I'm actually not a huge fan of horror films: more often that not they're "gore" with very little "horror", and the plot conventions and characterizations are oft times so utterly predictable as to be insulting. That being said, Zack ("This is Sparta!") Snyder's 2004 update of George A. Romero's 1978 film is one of those rare horror films that is scary, exciting and genuinely tense (and, yes, it's gory with a capital "G"). What this version of "Dawn of the Dead" does right far outweighs its few flaws, and I can enjoy films of any genre when talent like this is involved. While Snyder's direction isn't quite as stylized here as it would become with "300", his talent is in ample evidence, and the acting and characterizations are, for the most part, remarkably good for a horror film (due in no small part to the talented cast, especially Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames, Jake Weber and Mekhi Phifer).
This is one horror film I have no trouble watching again or recommending to others. Just don't sit down to watch it while you're eating. And watch out for that chainsaw!
(Book) Stephen King's "Desperation"
While selecting just one story from Stephen King's impressive body of work is difficult, I don't hesitate to call "Desperation" one of my favorite horror novels: gripping, tense, exciting, and thoroughly, unabashedly "don't read it at home alone" frightening. "Desperation" grabs you from the start and rarely lets go. King has a wonderful ability to find terror in the simplest of places, and to take his plots in bold and unexpected directions. This is one of the rare books that I actually had trouble putting down, even though I wanted to more than once out of sheer fright. A great yarn.
(Many will also recommend "The Regulators", the "companion/alternate" piece to "Desperation", but I hesitate to do so. I'm not sure why, but something about "The Regulators" really annoyed me. I didn't enjoy that companion story, although I do tip my hat to Mr. King for crafting such an interesting novel-writing experiment.)
(I also will not recommend the made-for-TV "Desperation" film with Tom Skerrit, because I haven't seen it. Based on the reviews I read, I don't think I want to.)
(Movie) "Se7en"
While not technically a "horror" film, few movies have left such a lasting and disturbing impression on me as David Fincher's "Se7en", a tale of a twisted serial killer whose murders mimic the seven deadly sins. Brad Pitt (in an early and successful attempt to shed his "cute boy" image), Morgan Freeman, Gwyneth Paltrow, R. Lee Ermey and the actor who plays "John Doe" (I'll keep the secret for those eight people who haven't already seen the movie) are all in top form, as is director David Fincher, whose mastery of cinematic craftsmanship has never been more prominently displayed than it is here.
Don't be surprised if this film leaves you looking over your shoulder, feeling nauseous, or just questioning your own sanity. Good, clean Halloween fun.
(Book) Brian Keene's "The Rising" and "City of the Dead"
Recommended as a sort of companion for "Dawn of the Dead". Brian Keene's debut novels about a zombie uprising are tautly paced and packed with scary, gory stuff. While no one would ever accuse Keene of being a remotely subtle writer, his update of the zombie sub-genre of horror fiction is energetic and original...and damn it if he doesn't come up with creative ways for his (well developed and likable) characters to get killed.
(I recommend both books, to be read in the order above; like Tanith Lee's vampire books, the two novels really tell one complete story. "The Rising" ends on such a diabolically ambiguous note that Keene had to write the sequel after literally receiving fan mail that told him how much the ending to his first novel "pissed everyone off".)
(Movie) "Signs"
While opinions on writer/director M. Night Shyamalan vary far and wide, I've always enjoyed this, his third "major" film, and arguably his most subtle and effective. While ostensibly an "alien invasion" film, there are more elements of old fashioned horror present in "Signs" than anything else, and as usual the director's low-budget, "show them nothing" approach is very effective at creating an evocative and creepy atmosphere. Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix both give solid performances, and this is the rare "scary film" that most parents can probably be comfortable watching in the company of their adolescent or younger teenage children, for even though the film is creepy it's never truly terrifying, and there's little to no bloodshed and only mild language.
All in a all a solid effort, and a nice example of what can be done when a director focuses on atmosphere instead of gory special effects.
(Movie/Book) "The Shining"
Ok, this last one is a bit of a cheat, but in spite of Stephen King already holding a spot on my list I need to pay some tribute to this remarkable work. "The Shining" (the novel) is one of King's most literate, most jolting and most terrifying tales, and one could easily make the argument that this is, indeed, his finest work. While ostensibly a "haunted hotel" story, "The Shining" delves into psychological terror by pulling apart the institution of the American family. This is NOT a book to read while home alone, in the dark or otherwise. It's easily one of the scariest books I've ever read.
When I say "The Shining", the film, I'm referring to Stanley Kubrick's 1980 version of Stephen King's novel. Critics will quickly point out that the more recent, made-for-TV version of "The Shining" follows King's source material much more faithfully, but, at least for me, that matters little. Films and books are different mediums, and should be treated as such, and while it's fine for a film based on a novel to follow said novel, I've never felt it was mandatory: film makers (especially highly artistic film makers like Mr. Kubrick) often use novels for inspiration, but they take the material in directions that suit the type of story they wish to tell. Kubrick's film is dark and disturbing, a slow-boiling horror tale that subtly latches into the viewer and won't release. While King's novel is overall more frightening, Kubrick's film, in many ways, leaves a longer lasting impression, for while King chooses to end his tale with the family unit somewhat in tact Kubrick chooses to annihilate it in a most disturbing fashion. Of the two, the film leaves a more disturbing aftertaste, but both are, in my opinion, works of art.
So there you have it. Nanowrimo starts next Thursday (I think I know what I'm doing...despite my claim in a previous post that I'd made up my mind, I'm still as uncertain as a cheerleader's chastity as to the projected project), and next week is the glorious start to another Month End Close...hooray!
Have a great weekend. Watch out for monsters.
It's that time of year again -- spooky costumes, scary stories, freaky movies and...lots of candy.
Ignoring the whole candy thing, I thought it might be fun to compile my very own list of Halloween favorites. This is a combination of films and novels that I've enjoyed over the years and that I can recommend to someone looking for a good scare or a Halloween flavored bit of entertainment. These items are arranged in no particular order...aside from the order in which they popped into my tiny brain.
(Books) Clive Barker's "The Books of Blood"
While not necessarily a "horror author" these days, Clive Barker started his career writing grisly, disturbing and highly creative splatter horror fiction, and it was this collection that garnered the talented British author his initial fame and critical praise. There are actually several different versions of Clive Barker's excellent collection of horror short stories; stateside, "The Books of Blood" generally refers to a 3 volume collection, but I prefer the British 6 Volume edition which includes the short stories from the U.S. Releases "In the Flesh", "The Inhuman Condition" and "Cabal" in addition to the original stories. (There's also a "bonus" story called "On Jerusalem Street", which nicely wraps up the entire collection.) While not generally "scary", Barker's gory tales are always disturbing and highly creative, and definitely worth a read for those who aren't too faint of heart (or that have weak stomachs).
Highlights from the series for me include "The Midnight Meat Train" (a tale of a subway serial killer with bizarre motivations), "In the Hills, the Cities" (a very strange update on a Dickens classic), "The Body Politic" (where humankind is threatened by a most unusual revolution), "How Spoilers Bleed" (an extremist cautionary tale that warns those darn Imperialists to stay the hell out of Africa) "Dread" (the original torture-porn story), "The Yattering and Jack" (which I'm surprised Tim Burton hasn't already made into a movie), and "Babel's Children" (which explains how political decisions are *really* made).
(Movie) "Aliens"
While some fans defend the original "Alien" as the definitive entry in this *mostly* marvelous science-fiction/horror series (I say *mostly* because one can't forget the less-than-stellar third installment and the downright embarrassing 4th film), I've always found James Cameron's "Aliens" to not only hold the highest entertainment quotient of the series, but to also be the film that leaves me the most drained after having watched it. This film literally sucks you in and drags you along on its nightmarish and consistently exciting ride; it's one of those rare films where the audience is left as exhausted as its (surviving) characters by the time the end credits start to roll. Viewing the original "Alien" isn't mandatory to enjoy this massively entertaining motion picture, which is easily James Cameron's finest film and still one of my favorite movies to watch this time of the year.
"Game over, man!"
(Books) Tanith's Lee's "Dark Dance" and "Personal Darkness"
One might as well label these two books "By Goth, for Goths", but to do so would be to highly marginalize the sheer brilliance of this fine pair of vampire novels. Tanith Lee has always been a remarkably stylish writer, and she is in top form here, as both novels are full of evocative descriptions, resonant emotional turmoil, and scenes of raw and disturbing sexual energy that stick with the reader long after the book has been put down.
I recommend reading the first two books of this series, as they actually read much better as a single novel and tell a complete tale, one that wraps up most of the open plot lines while still offering us a satisfying view of Lee's world of secret vampires. (While a third installment, "I, Darkness", was published, it feels like a largely unnecessary addition to the series, even if some scenes -- particularly those that describe with surprising subtlety the fate of a kidnapped English child-- are profoundly well-written in and of their own right.)
Highly recommended reading.
(Movie) "Dawn of the Dead" (2004)
Believe it or not, I'm actually not a huge fan of horror films: more often that not they're "gore" with very little "horror", and the plot conventions and characterizations are oft times so utterly predictable as to be insulting. That being said, Zack ("This is Sparta!") Snyder's 2004 update of George A. Romero's 1978 film is one of those rare horror films that is scary, exciting and genuinely tense (and, yes, it's gory with a capital "G"). What this version of "Dawn of the Dead" does right far outweighs its few flaws, and I can enjoy films of any genre when talent like this is involved. While Snyder's direction isn't quite as stylized here as it would become with "300", his talent is in ample evidence, and the acting and characterizations are, for the most part, remarkably good for a horror film (due in no small part to the talented cast, especially Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames, Jake Weber and Mekhi Phifer).
This is one horror film I have no trouble watching again or recommending to others. Just don't sit down to watch it while you're eating. And watch out for that chainsaw!
(Book) Stephen King's "Desperation"
While selecting just one story from Stephen King's impressive body of work is difficult, I don't hesitate to call "Desperation" one of my favorite horror novels: gripping, tense, exciting, and thoroughly, unabashedly "don't read it at home alone" frightening. "Desperation" grabs you from the start and rarely lets go. King has a wonderful ability to find terror in the simplest of places, and to take his plots in bold and unexpected directions. This is one of the rare books that I actually had trouble putting down, even though I wanted to more than once out of sheer fright. A great yarn.
(Many will also recommend "The Regulators", the "companion/alternate" piece to "Desperation", but I hesitate to do so. I'm not sure why, but something about "The Regulators" really annoyed me. I didn't enjoy that companion story, although I do tip my hat to Mr. King for crafting such an interesting novel-writing experiment.)
(I also will not recommend the made-for-TV "Desperation" film with Tom Skerrit, because I haven't seen it. Based on the reviews I read, I don't think I want to.)
(Movie) "Se7en"
While not technically a "horror" film, few movies have left such a lasting and disturbing impression on me as David Fincher's "Se7en", a tale of a twisted serial killer whose murders mimic the seven deadly sins. Brad Pitt (in an early and successful attempt to shed his "cute boy" image), Morgan Freeman, Gwyneth Paltrow, R. Lee Ermey and the actor who plays "John Doe" (I'll keep the secret for those eight people who haven't already seen the movie) are all in top form, as is director David Fincher, whose mastery of cinematic craftsmanship has never been more prominently displayed than it is here.
Don't be surprised if this film leaves you looking over your shoulder, feeling nauseous, or just questioning your own sanity. Good, clean Halloween fun.
(Book) Brian Keene's "The Rising" and "City of the Dead"
Recommended as a sort of companion for "Dawn of the Dead". Brian Keene's debut novels about a zombie uprising are tautly paced and packed with scary, gory stuff. While no one would ever accuse Keene of being a remotely subtle writer, his update of the zombie sub-genre of horror fiction is energetic and original...and damn it if he doesn't come up with creative ways for his (well developed and likable) characters to get killed.
(I recommend both books, to be read in the order above; like Tanith Lee's vampire books, the two novels really tell one complete story. "The Rising" ends on such a diabolically ambiguous note that Keene had to write the sequel after literally receiving fan mail that told him how much the ending to his first novel "pissed everyone off".)
(Movie) "Signs"
While opinions on writer/director M. Night Shyamalan vary far and wide, I've always enjoyed this, his third "major" film, and arguably his most subtle and effective. While ostensibly an "alien invasion" film, there are more elements of old fashioned horror present in "Signs" than anything else, and as usual the director's low-budget, "show them nothing" approach is very effective at creating an evocative and creepy atmosphere. Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix both give solid performances, and this is the rare "scary film" that most parents can probably be comfortable watching in the company of their adolescent or younger teenage children, for even though the film is creepy it's never truly terrifying, and there's little to no bloodshed and only mild language.
All in a all a solid effort, and a nice example of what can be done when a director focuses on atmosphere instead of gory special effects.
(Movie/Book) "The Shining"
Ok, this last one is a bit of a cheat, but in spite of Stephen King already holding a spot on my list I need to pay some tribute to this remarkable work. "The Shining" (the novel) is one of King's most literate, most jolting and most terrifying tales, and one could easily make the argument that this is, indeed, his finest work. While ostensibly a "haunted hotel" story, "The Shining" delves into psychological terror by pulling apart the institution of the American family. This is NOT a book to read while home alone, in the dark or otherwise. It's easily one of the scariest books I've ever read.
When I say "The Shining", the film, I'm referring to Stanley Kubrick's 1980 version of Stephen King's novel. Critics will quickly point out that the more recent, made-for-TV version of "The Shining" follows King's source material much more faithfully, but, at least for me, that matters little. Films and books are different mediums, and should be treated as such, and while it's fine for a film based on a novel to follow said novel, I've never felt it was mandatory: film makers (especially highly artistic film makers like Mr. Kubrick) often use novels for inspiration, but they take the material in directions that suit the type of story they wish to tell. Kubrick's film is dark and disturbing, a slow-boiling horror tale that subtly latches into the viewer and won't release. While King's novel is overall more frightening, Kubrick's film, in many ways, leaves a longer lasting impression, for while King chooses to end his tale with the family unit somewhat in tact Kubrick chooses to annihilate it in a most disturbing fashion. Of the two, the film leaves a more disturbing aftertaste, but both are, in my opinion, works of art.
So there you have it. Nanowrimo starts next Thursday (I think I know what I'm doing...despite my claim in a previous post that I'd made up my mind, I'm still as uncertain as a cheerleader's chastity as to the projected project), and next week is the glorious start to another Month End Close...hooray!
Have a great weekend. Watch out for monsters.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
To My Wife
I Love You, Angel.
I know I tell you that a lot, but the old saying is true: some things can never been said enough.
I fall in love with you every single day.
I'm enthralled by the sight of you and enchanted by your voice.
I love the way you laugh, and I love to laugh with you.
I love that you knit, and I love how you cook.
I love all the little things that make you You.
I love the beautiful, caring, funny, charming mother who, for reasons that still escape me, chose to spend the rest of her life with a goofy guy like me. I really am the luckiest guy alive.
You are my one and only Love. I wouldn't trade you or our children or the life we lead for anything in the world. (That's right....not even the kids... ;)
I love You, Liberty. Thank you for our beautiful life, and Happy Anniversary.
Love,
Steven
I know I tell you that a lot, but the old saying is true: some things can never been said enough.
I fall in love with you every single day.
I'm enthralled by the sight of you and enchanted by your voice.
I love the way you laugh, and I love to laugh with you.
I love that you knit, and I love how you cook.
I love all the little things that make you You.
I love the beautiful, caring, funny, charming mother who, for reasons that still escape me, chose to spend the rest of her life with a goofy guy like me. I really am the luckiest guy alive.
You are my one and only Love. I wouldn't trade you or our children or the life we lead for anything in the world. (That's right....not even the kids... ;)
I love You, Liberty. Thank you for our beautiful life, and Happy Anniversary.
Love,
Steven
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Ding, Dong, the SOX Are Gone (The Writing is A-Comin')
The second SOX Assessment is finished -- hooray! And while I'll spend the next few days preparing for the next life-draining SOX Assessment, I'm at least free of any lashings from that particular scourge for at least a month or two.
Now back to all of my other projects.
I'm still (slowly) working my way through the revision of "Razor: Hell". It's simultaneously better and worse than I remember it, so my love/hate relationship with the book hasn't really changed. I don't think it's as solid as "Razor: Angel" (the first book in the series), but I have to admit that it does have its moments. (I actually can't remember laughing at so many of my own written jokes and descriptions before...and I mean laughing as in laughing at stuff that's supposed to be funny, and just not laughing at the awful quality of my own writing, which I do all of the time.)
My big problem with "Razor: Hell" is the tone I adopted for one of the storylines. Basically (without giving too much away), there are two different tales being told in the book: one takes place in Hell (which I think it's safe to say is not like most people imagine it; I really like the way this particular storyline has turned out), while the other story follows a group of vampire hunters back on earth. While I like the plot progression of this second storyline, I think it's a bit *too* obvious that I was reading Laurel K. Hamilton's "Anita Blake" novels at the time that I writing it, as I've managed to imitate Hamilton's tone, her main character, and even her strange obsession with describing everyone's clothes in onerous detail. I've tried to curtail this unintentional style theft as much as possible in the revision, but it's going to take a bit more work to get it all.
That being said, I'm over halfway done with the revision, so I should (hopefully) still be on target to start up the third and final book for Nanowrimo in November. I still have some reservations as to whether I want this to be the "Novel in November" project or not, but after far too much deliberation I've decided to go for it (if for no other reason than I'm tired of being on the fence about it).
In the meantime, on the WotC front, there have been some interesting developments. While I won't be leaving the Finance department any time soon (which is ok...I sometimes wonder if I've made the right career move, but I have a good job with good people, so I have no real call to complain), I will be broadening my horizons somewhat in the near future.
For the record, I had intended, when I first came to Wizards of the Coast, to do everything I could to get into R&D (the department that actually writes and creates all of our games). Oddly, it was shortly after I started working at Wizards that I entered the longest and most terrifying creative dryspell I've ever had...to be honest, I'm not sure I've fully recovered. Regardless, after the conclusion of a Ptolus-based campaign that I ran for my wife, her sister, my brother-in-law and my daughter (which was just one fantastic game), I've only run D&D games intermittantly at best, and I've very much fallen out of practice. I hope to remedy this situation with the release of 4th Edition D&D (if not sooner), but in the meantime my minute RPG writing skills have not been enough to get me shifted to R&D.
However, it would seem that my meager skills are not entirely without merit. I was recently asked by R&D Development Manager Andy Collins to assist the D&D Minis Development team with...well, I probably shouldn't say too much, but let's just say that it has to do with a recent announcement made concerning old miniatures and new rules. (One instantly gratifying result of this upcoming work is that I'll get access to the new Dungeons & Dragons Miniatures rules early...and I might even get a peek at those silly 4th Edition rules, as well...) :)
That's it for now -- I have meetings to (re)schedule, hopes to crush, and dreams to dash. All in all, a typical day in the life of an accountant...
Now back to all of my other projects.
I'm still (slowly) working my way through the revision of "Razor: Hell". It's simultaneously better and worse than I remember it, so my love/hate relationship with the book hasn't really changed. I don't think it's as solid as "Razor: Angel" (the first book in the series), but I have to admit that it does have its moments. (I actually can't remember laughing at so many of my own written jokes and descriptions before...and I mean laughing as in laughing at stuff that's supposed to be funny, and just not laughing at the awful quality of my own writing, which I do all of the time.)
My big problem with "Razor: Hell" is the tone I adopted for one of the storylines. Basically (without giving too much away), there are two different tales being told in the book: one takes place in Hell (which I think it's safe to say is not like most people imagine it; I really like the way this particular storyline has turned out), while the other story follows a group of vampire hunters back on earth. While I like the plot progression of this second storyline, I think it's a bit *too* obvious that I was reading Laurel K. Hamilton's "Anita Blake" novels at the time that I writing it, as I've managed to imitate Hamilton's tone, her main character, and even her strange obsession with describing everyone's clothes in onerous detail. I've tried to curtail this unintentional style theft as much as possible in the revision, but it's going to take a bit more work to get it all.
That being said, I'm over halfway done with the revision, so I should (hopefully) still be on target to start up the third and final book for Nanowrimo in November. I still have some reservations as to whether I want this to be the "Novel in November" project or not, but after far too much deliberation I've decided to go for it (if for no other reason than I'm tired of being on the fence about it).
In the meantime, on the WotC front, there have been some interesting developments. While I won't be leaving the Finance department any time soon (which is ok...I sometimes wonder if I've made the right career move, but I have a good job with good people, so I have no real call to complain), I will be broadening my horizons somewhat in the near future.
For the record, I had intended, when I first came to Wizards of the Coast, to do everything I could to get into R&D (the department that actually writes and creates all of our games). Oddly, it was shortly after I started working at Wizards that I entered the longest and most terrifying creative dryspell I've ever had...to be honest, I'm not sure I've fully recovered. Regardless, after the conclusion of a Ptolus-based campaign that I ran for my wife, her sister, my brother-in-law and my daughter (which was just one fantastic game), I've only run D&D games intermittantly at best, and I've very much fallen out of practice. I hope to remedy this situation with the release of 4th Edition D&D (if not sooner), but in the meantime my minute RPG writing skills have not been enough to get me shifted to R&D.
However, it would seem that my meager skills are not entirely without merit. I was recently asked by R&D Development Manager Andy Collins to assist the D&D Minis Development team with...well, I probably shouldn't say too much, but let's just say that it has to do with a recent announcement made concerning old miniatures and new rules. (One instantly gratifying result of this upcoming work is that I'll get access to the new Dungeons & Dragons Miniatures rules early...and I might even get a peek at those silly 4th Edition rules, as well...) :)
That's it for now -- I have meetings to (re)schedule, hopes to crush, and dreams to dash. All in all, a typical day in the life of an accountant...
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
(Non-Writing) Random Excuse Generator
Sarbanes Oxley brings out the worst in people, myself included. Without going into too much gory detail, SOX testing (for those of your lucky enough to NOT be in the know) involves rigorous examination of internal company controls. Basically, for every illegal act a publicly traded company could engage in, there is a SOX Control that explains what precautions (or "Controls") are in place that ensure said company can't actually do that bad thing. SOX testing is when some unlucky peon gets the honorable task of pulling data, running reports, and otherwise proving that any given Control is effective for any given period of time and that they don't work for Enron.
At best, SOX testing is tedious, soul crushing work that sucks away one's will to live. At its worst, it's like getting sodomized with a power drill.
As the SOX coordinator for Wizards of the Coast, I get handed lots of excuses for why any given individuals SOX testing hasn't been completed. Unfortunately, most of these excuses are by-the-numbers, run-of-the-mill affairs that lack any real pizazz or originality. That being the case, I present to you the Random Excuse Generator. Never again may you be caught without a good reason why that balance sheet isn't balanced, why your files are still on your desk, or why that meeting still hasn't been scheduled. So grab your 20-sided dice* and go be non-productive!!!!!
Die Roll/Excuse
1 "I think the janitorial staff took that report from my desk and sold it on the black market. I never did trust them."
2 "I was told to re-evaluate that task by the Senior VP. He said you'd know why, which is good because he said he didn't want to have to explain it to you. Again."
3 "I've never really liked you. Go away."
4 "The system is down, and has been for weeks. You wouldn't know, since you never actually log in. Ass."
5 "I had to decide to either do this, or to tune in to the Victoria's Secret podcast. Priorities, man."
6 "I just don't have enough energy to complete this crappy assignment AND find the willpower to keep myself from strangling you in front of your children. I'm sure your children appreciate my amazing -- albeit tenuous -- self control."
7 "How painful would it be for you to do your own work for a change?"
8 "I started it, but it was so full of glaring errors that I decided my time would be better spent playing Solitaire, which has proven to be both more stimulating and less likely to make me submit you to my patented 'Blowtorch Therapy'."
9 "I have my list of priorities. You didn't make the list. Better luck next time."
10 "Ich habe keine Ahnung wast du sprichst. Scheizerkopf."
11 "My horoscope said that something really horrible would happen to the first person I helped today....so, yeah, I guess I'll take care of that for you...."
12 "Whatever, I'll do it. Chances are I owe you, anyways, for sleeping with your wife."
13 "Are you serious? I finished that weeks ago. Twice!"
14 "We need to wait for the system upgrade before we finish it up. Don't worry, I'm sure no data will be lost."
15 "Remember that system upgrade, and how IT assured us that no data would be lost? Well...."
16 "Every time I do a task like this, Jesus kills a kitten...you insensitive, kitten-murdering bastard."
17 "Communist!!!!!"
18 "I am the Dread Pirate Roberts!" (best delivered in your best Andre the Giant voice)
19 "Man, the doc says I have rage issues...but I'm not sure what his problem is. I swear, I'm gonna tear that guys privates off and use them in the next pool tournament if he keeps saying crap like that. Rage issues...I'll show you rage issues, Dr. Katz, when I tear your friggin' arm off and beat you with it...damn it, he pisses me off! Anyways...enough about that...how can I help you?"
20 roll twice on table above and combine results, ignoring further rolls of 20
(*Void in any and all places where Roleplaying Games and/or 20-sided dice are considered to be the Devil's playthings. Also void in Montana, just because.)
At best, SOX testing is tedious, soul crushing work that sucks away one's will to live. At its worst, it's like getting sodomized with a power drill.
As the SOX coordinator for Wizards of the Coast, I get handed lots of excuses for why any given individuals SOX testing hasn't been completed. Unfortunately, most of these excuses are by-the-numbers, run-of-the-mill affairs that lack any real pizazz or originality. That being the case, I present to you the Random Excuse Generator. Never again may you be caught without a good reason why that balance sheet isn't balanced, why your files are still on your desk, or why that meeting still hasn't been scheduled. So grab your 20-sided dice* and go be non-productive!!!!!
Die Roll/Excuse
1 "I think the janitorial staff took that report from my desk and sold it on the black market. I never did trust them."
2 "I was told to re-evaluate that task by the Senior VP. He said you'd know why, which is good because he said he didn't want to have to explain it to you. Again."
3 "I've never really liked you. Go away."
4 "The system is down, and has been for weeks. You wouldn't know, since you never actually log in. Ass."
5 "I had to decide to either do this, or to tune in to the Victoria's Secret podcast. Priorities, man."
6 "I just don't have enough energy to complete this crappy assignment AND find the willpower to keep myself from strangling you in front of your children. I'm sure your children appreciate my amazing -- albeit tenuous -- self control."
7 "How painful would it be for you to do your own work for a change?"
8 "I started it, but it was so full of glaring errors that I decided my time would be better spent playing Solitaire, which has proven to be both more stimulating and less likely to make me submit you to my patented 'Blowtorch Therapy'."
9 "I have my list of priorities. You didn't make the list. Better luck next time."
10 "Ich habe keine Ahnung wast du sprichst. Scheizerkopf."
11 "My horoscope said that something really horrible would happen to the first person I helped today....so, yeah, I guess I'll take care of that for you...."
12 "Whatever, I'll do it. Chances are I owe you, anyways, for sleeping with your wife."
13 "Are you serious? I finished that weeks ago. Twice!"
14 "We need to wait for the system upgrade before we finish it up. Don't worry, I'm sure no data will be lost."
15 "Remember that system upgrade, and how IT assured us that no data would be lost? Well...."
16 "Every time I do a task like this, Jesus kills a kitten...you insensitive, kitten-murdering bastard."
17 "Communist!!!!!"
18 "I am the Dread Pirate Roberts!" (best delivered in your best Andre the Giant voice)
19 "Man, the doc says I have rage issues...but I'm not sure what his problem is. I swear, I'm gonna tear that guys privates off and use them in the next pool tournament if he keeps saying crap like that. Rage issues...I'll show you rage issues, Dr. Katz, when I tear your friggin' arm off and beat you with it...damn it, he pisses me off! Anyways...enough about that...how can I help you?"
20 roll twice on table above and combine results, ignoring further rolls of 20
(*Void in any and all places where Roleplaying Games and/or 20-sided dice are considered to be the Devil's playthings. Also void in Montana, just because.)
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