(Non-Writing) Random Excuse Generator

Sarbanes Oxley brings out the worst in people, myself included. Without going into too much gory detail, SOX testing (for those of your lucky enough to NOT be in the know) involves rigorous examination of internal company controls. Basically, for every illegal act a publicly traded company could engage in, there is a SOX Control that explains what precautions (or "Controls") are in place that ensure said company can't actually do that bad thing. SOX testing is when some unlucky peon gets the honorable task of pulling data, running reports, and otherwise proving that any given Control is effective for any given period of time and that they don't work for Enron.

At best, SOX testing is tedious, soul crushing work that sucks away one's will to live. At its worst, it's like getting sodomized with a power drill.

As the SOX coordinator for Wizards of the Coast, I get handed lots of excuses for why any given individuals SOX testing hasn't been completed. Unfortunately, most of these excuses are by-the-numbers, run-of-the-mill affairs that lack any real pizazz or originality. That being the case, I present to you the Random Excuse Generator. Never again may you be caught without a good reason why that balance sheet isn't balanced, why your files are still on your desk, or why that meeting still hasn't been scheduled. So grab your 20-sided dice* and go be non-productive!!!!!

Die Roll/Excuse
1 "I think the janitorial staff took that report from my desk and sold it on the black market. I never did trust them."

2 "I was told to re-evaluate that task by the Senior VP. He said you'd know why, which is good because he said he didn't want to have to explain it to you. Again."

3 "I've never really liked you. Go away."

4 "The system is down, and has been for weeks. You wouldn't know, since you never actually log in. Ass."

5 "I had to decide to either do this, or to tune in to the Victoria's Secret podcast. Priorities, man."

6 "I just don't have enough energy to complete this crappy assignment AND find the willpower to keep myself from strangling you in front of your children. I'm sure your children appreciate my amazing -- albeit tenuous -- self control."

7 "How painful would it be for you to do your own work for a change?"

8 "I started it, but it was so full of glaring errors that I decided my time would be better spent playing Solitaire, which has proven to be both more stimulating and less likely to make me submit you to my patented 'Blowtorch Therapy'."

9 "I have my list of priorities. You didn't make the list. Better luck next time."

10 "Ich habe keine Ahnung wast du sprichst. Scheizerkopf."

11 "My horoscope said that something really horrible would happen to the first person I helped today....so, yeah, I guess I'll take care of that for you...."

12 "Whatever, I'll do it. Chances are I owe you, anyways, for sleeping with your wife."

13 "Are you serious? I finished that weeks ago. Twice!"

14 "We need to wait for the system upgrade before we finish it up. Don't worry, I'm sure no data will be lost."

15 "Remember that system upgrade, and how IT assured us that no data would be lost? Well...."

16 "Every time I do a task like this, Jesus kills a kitten...you insensitive, kitten-murdering bastard."

17 "Communist!!!!!"

18 "I am the Dread Pirate Roberts!" (best delivered in your best Andre the Giant voice)

19 "Man, the doc says I have rage issues...but I'm not sure what his problem is. I swear, I'm gonna tear that guys privates off and use them in the next pool tournament if he keeps saying crap like that. Rage issues...I'll show you rage issues, Dr. Katz, when I tear your friggin' arm off and beat you with it...damn it, he pisses me off! Anyways...enough about that...how can I help you?"

20 roll twice on table above and combine results, ignoring further rolls of 20

(*Void in any and all places where Roleplaying Games and/or 20-sided dice are considered to be the Devil's playthings. Also void in Montana, just because.)